Finding Myself

* It has been a while since I have written any fiction. So I look to you, my faithful followers for some feedback. Part of me thinks as it is, it could stand on it’s own. It might also be a great start to some bigger adventure. I am just not sure what I should do with it now. As usual, I will fall asleep and find out more of the story.

So as it is, here is a sample, enjoy.


It was the kind of weather that even the most desperate of whores found shelter in some filthy hotel to protect themselves from the storm. It was the kind of night where the crisp, biting air hurt to inhale and left a cloud hanging from each exhale. The rain froze slightly as it hit the ground, causing everything to shine like it was made of glass. The effects of our separation could be felt within and they were also felt without.

Despite all this, there are always still a few creatures roaming in the shadows. Hungry, lonely beings, hunting for something to fill them until morning, something to save them from the endlessness of the night, I hear them here and there, crying out sometimes. I can feel them sometimes, there and here, always crying out.

The rain started to seep through my coat, through each layer that cling to my body, chilling me to the bone, they are but rags. I take a breath, I need this moment, I need to find a way to know and to see for myself. My limbs move slowly, they feel heavy, making me clumsy, like I am swimming through some hellish dream, drowning in my dissolved self-worth. This journey has gone on for too long and tonight, tonight the nightmare ends.

Each and every step takes me closer to the truth, each step also takes me further away from everything I thought was real. At every turn there was destructed landscapes, desolation, despair and as far as I could tell, I was the only person here, I was utterly alone. Each breath makes the shadows shift and shimmer around me. All I could hear was my own heartbeat, like a drum, marching me to my own demise. There was no other way, this is destiny, this is how my story ends, this is how everyone’s story will end now too.

I never asked to be the hero, I think most hero’s stumble through, doing the best they can, I don’t think anyone would willingly ask for this. Most people have a hard time dealing with their average, ordinary lives, having this burden added on top would cause weaker creatures to sit in the corner and cry for the rest of their days.

Turns out, I was the wrong person for the job too, because here I am, a few steps away from ruining everything, a few steps taken too late might as well not be taken at all. My body is broken, the pain has long faded into the background, because there has just been too much of it for too long, eventually the mind recoils in shock. Thankfully shutting off emotions, shutting out reality in favor of a perfectly horrible dreamscape to preserve any shred of sanity that might be left.

A light was growing brighter and brighter as I got closer to it, I knew I had found the source, the end of my journey. There was also an intense heat coming from the light, I could feel the ice on my body melting, the rainwater absorbing into steam in the air, it was making me shake, although, that could have just been exhaustion but now, I will never know which one it really was.

On one knee, I bend down to the figure emitting the light, her body was also broken, we had both been searching for as long as either of us could remember. I told myself I should have been stronger, I should have been faster but to be honest, I was in better shape than this being lying before me now.

Her eyes locked onto mine and I shared in her pain as she shared in mine, we looked so much alike, we all looked alike but I knew she was different. I was the last, she was the first and we were all that was left now. She reached out for me, in that moment I knew terror, I knew I could not resist her, I was already transfixed by her light, her beauty.

Even though many people said I possessed my own sort of beauty, I saw none of this in her. She was perfect, I was beaten, bloody and dressed in retched, torn rags. There are not nearly enough words to express how overwhelming it was to be reflected in such a way. My mind flashed to the stories and tales I heard when I was a child suddenly, about guardian angels, about spirits that watch and spirits who torment the souls of the innocent.

I took her hand, she took mine and everything went blank, all the air, the light and the dark swirled into an endless void of nothingness. No more pain, no more loneliness, no color and no darkness, no sound and no more reasons to wonder why.

This is what it takes to be complete, this is what it feels like to be whole, to be one with oneself. Her and I, with barely any life left in either body looked at the other through the same eyes. The dark secret we shared in that moment brought a smile to our face, we knew we had more work to do, that this was only the beginning.

In this place, there was no time, there was no up or down, no endings, no new beginnings. We were together but we were alone because she was me and I was her. We were being reborn, we were going back to try again. This is my doom, my fate, this is my journey, this is where my story starts and where it always ends.


Take it Back (Taken for Granted)

Taken for Granted (Take it back)

Take it from me

You will see

There is so much more

We can all be

If we do not flee


Take a trip

Down memory lane

But this time

Ignore the pain

Forget who is to blame

And let go

Of the shame


Take just one more trip

Or one last sip

Before sanity starts to slip

Try to get a grip

Even when moods

Start to flip

We are all captains of

Our own sinking ship


Take it for what it is worth

Let yourself connect

With the earth


Take it one step at a time

And it will all be fine


Take the good with the bad

The joy along with the sad

There will always be someone

Who gets mad when they see

Anyone else glad

Take a moment to think

With a nod and a wink

Keep searching for that missing link

And when you find it

Try not back away or shrink

While standing on the brink


Take what you can get

Do not ever stop or sit

Or the pieces will never fit

And the fire will go unlit

Teeth will grit

Words will spit

Rule we be re-writ


Take any and every chance

Because you never know

When it will be your last dance.

Free Pussy Riot

The War on Humanism

Part Two: Free Pussy Riot


Women of the world have always been considered sub-human throughout history. There is still a surprising amount of countries who still see us as weak, helpless creatures, here to get married, pop out tiny humans and otherwise be seen and not heard.

Being lucky enough to live in a so called free country where I can be a loudmouthed female is a blessing and a curse. While I can use my voice for the voiceless, it seems like it is not enough, it is never enough. I look at the world through unique eyes, I try to live in love and be brave in the face of people who will never understand.

A few weeks ago, HBO aired a documentary called Pussy Riot: A Punk Prayer. This documentary won the Special Jury Prize at the 2013 Sundance film festival. Everyone has heard about this in some small way at some point but maybe like me, did not know much about the situation. I learned from the mouths of the members of Pussy Riot and through the eyes of these filmmakers.

Music has always effected the world for better and for worse. Art can save the soul and destroy entire nations at the same time. While Pussy Riot only did a handful of performances before they were unjustly imprisoned, they have caused a worldwide movement and awareness of how much Russia uses tyranny and an authoritative government to oppress its people. No one is allowed to speak out against the church or the state and these girls did both in a very flashy, over the top way. For this, they are still paying the price.

Artists and humanists, people of all ages rose up in support. To hear the girl’s parents speak of their daughters, they seem proud. These girls are all around the same age I am and it is scary to know this could happen to any of us who speak up about injustice in the world.

Here in the West, we live a comfortable life and most people have a hard time understanding the worlds that still exist in many countries. We have a hard time imagining our daughters being jailed for speaking their minds, being creative and trying to make a difference in the world. Many things run true as human nature though. These girls are considered demons because they have no interest in getting married and having children. This is not what is shocking, I have had the same issues for having the same views my whole life. “Deranged vaginas” was thrown around the courtroom during the trial. Instead of being offended, they laughed, I laughed and have decided to own it proudly in solidarity.


I have always felt that if you are not angry, you are not paying attention. I urge you to find out more about how to get involved. It could be me, you, your sister, your mother or your best friend. Look through this site and educate yourself further, no one deserves to be treated like this, anywhere, ever.


June 26th it is Time to Support, Not Punish

The War on Humanism

Part 0ne: International Day against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking


Never having been one to lie or hide my past or present drug use from anyone, I was recently made aware of   I knew I had to get involved in even the slightest way. I knew I had to share this with the world. They have a view on this subject that many would not expect or really understand, but I do.

Most people have very strong views about drugs, drug users and drug laws. Both sides of the fence argue loudly and believe they are right. If even one door opens in their mind, that is one life saved, one person evolving into something better.

The war on drugs in the United States started when I was a child and since I moved around a lot, I had to go through the DARE program in three different schools. Even then it made no sense to me why everything had to be so black and white. Even as I child I had a very live and let live attitude and I was always quite curious. Sobriety for me lasted till I was twelve and the first joint I ever smoked was stolen from my mom. All those just say no commercials come to mind but it was different for me. I know that there were many people out there who did not have the guidance and support I had, no one taught them to be responsible, respectful or careful.

Twenty years later, I tried just about everything under the sun that came my way. With only one possession of marijuana charge, one drunk driving charge and only having come close to overdosing once, I feel lucky. It also makes me feel like I should share this organizations message about helping support drug users instead of punishing them. We are all going to do what we are going to do so maybe we can save a few lives and tax dollars in the long run. Most jails are filled with addicts of some kind and we could really take a lesson from other countries with their open mindedness. Everyone complains about taxes but accept every law that tries to limit their freedoms.

I believe in what they are doing because I have been a victim of the sad realities that come from this life I live. Even now as I write this, I am having an ice cold drink on a summer night, smoking some pot. I have always wondered why nights like this make me such a bad person. Because I enjoy nights like this, I lost my license, I can’t find a job and most of my so called family does not talk to me. This is the way of the world and we have a chance to change it for the better.

I support and what they do, their message gives me hope for the future. It is not me who is doing wrong, it is the world that is doing wrong by us. I hope this message gets through to a few people and helps others who walk on this path.

June 26th is the United Nations’ “International Day against Drug Abuse and Illicit trafficking”. This day is used by many governments to celebrate their failed attempts to wage war on drugs. In some cases they are holding public executions of drug offenders as a sign of their commitment. Ironically, June 26th is also the United Nations’ “International Day in Support of Victims of Torture”, yet people who use drugs continue to be abused, stigmatized, tortured, beaten and even killed in the name of the war on drugs.

What is also going to be happening on that day is that, across the globe on this date, drug user activists will be taking part in the first ever Support Don’t Punish Global Day of Action in ‘reclaiming’ this day as our own by highlighting the failure of the ‘war on drugs’, and emphasizing the need for harm reduction and health approaches for people who use drugs. Activists in more than 15 countries around the world are taking part in a Global Day of Action to promote more humane drug policies that support people who use drugs, rather than punishing and abusing them.

If I have not convinced you about how important this cause is, you can find our more info, including how to get involved by clicking and taking some time to learn and understand instead of just jumping to hasty judgments and hypocritical conclusions.

New England Users Union will be holding a gathering as well and you can contact them at   to get involved in the festivities on the 26th. Obviously this only applies to people in the area but if you would like to show your support, even in spirit, you can follow this link to the Facebook event and leave some kind words and thoughts on the subject. If I can make it to the event, I will of course write a follow up piece to this in the near future

My simple summery does not do this the justice it deserves so I leave it to you, to research, to learn and to be the change you want to see in the world. It all starts with us, it only takes one strong , determined person to change the world and it happens one step at a time, one day at a time.

Failing Again.

Failing Again.

Broken dreams

And unheard screams

I don’t know

What any of it means

Nothing here

Is as it seems

There is nothing left inside

I just want

To get off of this ride

Without drowning

In the rising tide

There are no secrets

And nothing left to confide

With my heart in my throat

I feel like all my words

Have been wrote

And there is no longer

Any hope

I am at the end

Of my literal rope

I don’t know who I am

Or if I even can

There has never been a plan

No matter where

My eyes scan

There is too much demand

Without anywhere

To safely land

And this is almost

Too much to stand

I really want to forgive

Because this is no way to live

And I have given

Everything I can give

My emotions are collecting dust

Failure is the only part of life

That I can really ever trust

Even when the cold winds

Of change gust

We adapt and do what we must

But the search always feels

Like some base, animalistic lust

I wish I could save me

From myself


What is Happenning in Istanbul?

Stand up, Speak out… Be aware of the cracks and flaws of this machine that is eating us alive.   -Ivy

Silver Platter Service

Silver Platter Service.

Under these dark waves of reality

The tides pull consciousness apart

Seeming truths teaming with lies

Life is made for living

Dreams are made for escape

And nightmares are made to be survived


Movements perfected over time

Actions without reactions

The vibrations become deafening

Waves breaking upon a distant shore

Hungry eyes swallowing the light

Devouring the shameful pain of joy

Power is for those brave enough

Destiny is for those who believe in stuff

Forever is a comfort for the mortal

And fate can never be controlled


Confident self-destruction

Spending years writing

One endless suicide note

That no one

Will ever read

Searching for something

That never really existed

And a love that

Will never be enough

Satisfaction is for the weak

Turmoil bleeds from open wounds

Bruised flesh remains tender

When there is no escaping the past


Taught to be ungrateful

And taught from the start how to hate

First rules are learned

But soon they will be broken

Then broken again

Losing their meaning over time


Wisdom carved in stone

Reasons to writhe and moan

Out of step and lacking tone

After each and every broken bone

The truth is that no one

Is traveling this road alone

And there is no voice

On the other end of the phone


We scold the bold

For breaking the mold

And never doing

Exactly as they are told

Welcome to the fold

I promise this will get old

When all the dreams

Are bought and sold

By hearts that have gown

Jaded and cold

In hopes no one will grab hold


A warrior called to the fight

Slowly draining might

When shying away from the light

Embraced by the night

This is the one thing that has

Always felt right

With no end in sight

Life has been served on a silver platter

All we can do is try to get a bite

Before the feast comes to an end.

3/26/2013 7:48 AM

OMG, Really?

Oh God, Really?

We all know my views in organized religion but I would like to put that aside for the moment because I genuinely want to know why god’s flock of sheep are still stuck on pointless battles like gay marriage or trying to disprove evolution. Would their time be better spent thinning out the idiots in their own camp who give them a bad name? The people who use god as excuse for hate or the people who go on reality shows and pray that god will help them win a million dollars or politicians who say that god told them to run for president. From where I sit, on the outside, I can’t even feel pity for any sane, rational religious folks that may be out there because they do not stand up for themselves on this. They just let it happen and it is embarrassing, frustrating and more than just a little amusing.

Most of all, why is no one offended that these WEBSITES claim to help you find god’s match for you? No one finds that to be presumptuous and a little bit insane? If I was a Christian, I would be wildly offended by the idea that god is speaking to me through a website or some power hungry politician or helping some asshole become a millionaire by treating other people like crap, lying and exploiting themselves on TV.  Stupidity offends me more than two people finding love or some girl who is not ready for parenthood taking steps not to be one through any means at their disposal.

If I believed in that book people say guides their lives I would want organize people to go after Westboro Baptist Church until they stop calling themselves a church. I would want to ask one of these politicians what the voice of god sounds like or when he took back the whole, meek inheriting the earth stance, because I thought that was one of the big ones. I am pretty sure that god has always been into people forking over any of their material wealth for a place in heaven. But what do I know, maybe now he wants you to “survive” on an island for a while to try to win a bunch of money. Once “judge not lest ye be judged” and “love thy neighbor” stopped mattering, I suppose the rest of it can be ignored now too. God doesn’t bother with miracles anymore because he is busy fixing people up and playing matchmaker online. Which also means he is not out there killing millions of children, spreading plagues and speaking to schizophrenic hippies anymore either. Which is nice of him and long overdue I would say.

While I may consider myself a pseudo-scientist or an atheist to use the more common term, it is because I like facts, I believe in evolution and see a brighter future in knowledge than I have seen in any church or religion that have ever existed. While I have on many occasions read the bible in many forms, I don’t really think I needed it to tell me right from wrong, after a while I would have figured it out on my own. If a person is only kind out of fear, guilt and shame then it is not really kindness at all is it? If you feel a light within you, why not own that instead of giving someone else credit? I am a good person because I chose to be, because it makes me feel good and because it is the way things are supposed to be.

If they could eventually redirect their hate and righteous indignation to battling the monsters within I could even find myself fighting with them. It is not that I am against the idea of faith, or those stories about some hippie schizophrenic spreading a message of love, kindness and understanding in the desert. Jesus seemed like a good enough guy but that message has been lost and distorted over time, clouded by hypocrisy, the will of mankind and traditional superstitions built on fear. If I have to face a higher power someday and answer for my actions in life I go confidently, unlike most that fear their god and doubt their actions instead of just enjoying it while it lasts.

The more I learn, the more I observe from the outside, the more I feel like humankind will always be hindered by the concept of god. When science makes this many advances in this short of a period of time, it become difficult to deny the impact. It makes me wonder how anyone can still let themselves be consumed by such outdated things like religion, how anyone could be so blind and willing to let such abject stupidity stand as the example for the whole flock. I wonder how people in modern times could not look back and realize it is time for a change. It is time to put the past behind us in favor of a dogma with a few less holes in it, a lot less death and maybe even a few facts instead of lies and mysterious, magic miracles that happened thousands of years ago.

As I get older I become more and more convinced that the closest I will ever come to that thing people search for with religion is when I am sitting on the beach at night, under the stars, listening to the waves and maybe smoking some natural herbs that had to have been god given because they exist. A loved one sitting next to me makes it all the more complete, all the more spiritual of an experience for me. This may be the wrong way to handle things in the long run but you are going to have a hard time convincing me of a better way if you are looking for gods match for you on a dating website. I found gods match for me when I wandered into a gas station drunk one night. You know, the old fashioned way. He and I took time to get to know each other and fall in love and that love is based on many more levels than just our religion or lack thereof. While I understand there needs to be common ground and common interests in a relationship, I wonder if religion still big enough or strong enough to be the only connection. Those shared values may be a good start but it seems like the opposites-attract saying must exist for a reason. Love needs mental stimulation as much as any other kind, life needs challenges to keep it worth living. Where is the adventure in following the expected path and never breaking from the mold?

Why would god want anyone to put something as important as that in the hands of web designers, advertising executives or chance? If you believed in him, why would you allow people like that to presume to speak for him or you, why does it seem perfectly okay for everyone to take the lords name in vein or worse? When will the puppets cut the strings and stop dancing to the same old tune? Stop fighting atheists and science and stop being so stubborn about progress and maybe admit to a few of the mistakes that have been made. I am fairly sure that science exists for more than disproving god’s existence so why not admit to the other side having a good idea now and then? Atheists do not hate people who worship the various gods, they just want to point out another side, some alternative ideas to consider. If they hate anything, I would say it is the length some people go to when arguing about god with non-believers, the stubborn blindness some people maintain so they never have to grow or change.

I can only speak for myself as an atheist but I think we could all work together if we were fighting a common enemy. We might even be able to solve a few of the greatest mysteries that neither side has been able to figure out along the way. If only we could bridge that great divide. To me, pimping out souls and capitalizing on love means that the monopoly on eternal life is finally up for grabs and it is time for science to take its turn defining, studying and proving all those things that religion tried to explain and dismiss with statements like, “because the bible says so.” If one side could allow that imaginary friends are possible and worth believing in maybe the other side could believe in things like dinosaurs existing or human rights. Then we can start working on the big issues if that works out.

Stupidity is one of the greatest of all sins, in this day and age there is really no logical excuse. Failure to try is the only real failure that counts in the end. Why not try to see the big picture from every angle there possibly could be? The only dumb questions  are the ones left unasked so why have all these questions gone unasked?

I have to admit, after writing all this I am curious about these sites. In the name of science I might go on an undercover fact finding mission. The hard part is deciding what part to play. Do I set it up as the biggest cliché ever, do I be an honest-ish me or do I go as dark and evil as possible to see how long it takes before I get banned from the site?

They all sound fun so maybe I will do one of each on multiple sites. It will be a good exercise, a way to build characters for stories. Even though I have my perfect match, I want to know what THEY think my perfect, god given match would be. In the end I may feel bad about playing games but I think it will be interesting to see what points of interest god uses when making a match for someone. If my honest-ish profile it will also be interesting to see how many open minded people are out there. I think that honest-ish profile will get shut down just as fast as a dark, evil character will because discrimination is alive and well in this world.

It is a good sign that my theory about these kinds of people is correct when the only options offered are man-looking-for-woman or woman-looking-for-a-man. I think this is going to be interesting and deserving of a day to day chronicle of the adventure as it progresses. We can call it my first attempt at investigative journalism.

3/21/2013 7:40 AM

Eat the Swine Before They Eat You.

A quiet, snowy Sunday morning. Up too late, once again. Earlier I watched the blessedly last of the Twilight movies, it wasn’t bad to be honest. It did however make me want to spend the rest of the night drinking and re-watching people be brutally hacked to death on Spartacus while I work on some pulled pork for later tonight. Overall though, this combination of things has led me to spend a lot of the night thinking of cannibalism and how humans should eat their young like other animals do. It would just spare us all so many issues in the long run.

If it was not for my morbid interest in someday eating another human, I would possibly be able to become a vegetarian. I feel like the fact that I would eat those worthless humans who mistreat animals if given the chance gives me the leeway to still enjoy all the usual kinds of meat as often as I want. I do love animals and see both sides of the argument. When it comes down to it though, some animals seem to serve no other purpose than to be yummy. Chickens for instance. For all I know, human tastes like all my favorite foods. I won’t know until I try.

Ancient dwellers of this planet practiced cannibalism when they had to but there is really no record of anyone telling how it tasted or how they prepared and spiced the meat. Stranger things have happened to our sad, desperate species over the years. With all the end of the world scenarios being played out in our day and age, I get the feeling sometimes that we may all come to the point of eating each other just to survive someday.

No matter which road is taken, no matter if it is the idea of eating our enemies or eating the humans that serve no purpose on this planet, cannibalism will serve as a welcomed form of population control someday. Everyone is divided over “women issues” like rape, birth control and abortion, maybe this is how we can get them all to shut up and get on with their lives. When some white trash family, living off the government has their fourth or sixth kid, start making them eat the ones they can’t support. If you think this is a repulsive idea and you think I am a horrible person for saying so, think of the Octopi-Mom or that other reality show chick with eight kids or something. Since this country becomes more and more obsessed with people like that every day, maybe we can make a new reality show called “How fast can you rid the world of your demon spawn.” I think Casey Anthony and any parent of a kid who caused some schoolyard, gun related tragedy would make perfect judges for the show. I would say we could follow it with “Who wants to laugh at idiots, douchbags and retards.” But there are at least fifteen different versions of that show already out there.

I know it sounds harsh but all this live and let live, political correctness is what will eventually be the end of humanity as we know it. Once upon a time the philosophy was survival of the fittest but now it seems like survival of the shittiest has become the law of the land. After a while it has started to become obvious that this empire, like so many before it, is ready to crumble way and fade into history. When things like that take hold of your consciousness and society it gets harder and harder to take anything seriously. The more I learn, the more I want to know. But the more I learn, the more see patterns and shapes forming in the distance, some of them are intimidating, others I feel need to be destroyed immediately. Personal plans, dreams and goals feel the most vivid and real while the bigger picture always remains out of focus and surreal. When I say bigger picture, I mean the reality that everyone else seems to be more than happy to embrace and call true. It has left me on the outside looking in, always wondering, worrying and trying to find the right path for me, myself and I before it is too late.

While most women my age seem to want nothing more than a man who provides security, children and the same old expectations of normalcy, I sometimes wonder what the fuck is wrong with me, why am I constantly unsatisfied. I ask myself if I am missing something, if I am broken and most of all, who’s path in life is going to be the right one in the end. I have no choice to keep being the person I am and hope for the best. This life is short though and as much as I would like to, I know I can’t really manage to try everything at least once before I go. Death itself does not scare me, the idea that I had not seen or done enough, felt or experienced enough, dreamed big enough or lived loud enough is absolutely terrifying though. I go through great effort to convince myself that no one’s opinions matter but I also spend quite a bit of time trying to figure out why they think what they think or act the way they act. It might not be the healthiest way to look at things but most of the time I treat my fellow man like they are only here for my amusement, to keep me entertained. While this may sound cold and selfish, it does however give me the power to laugh at life and all the things it throws my way instead of crying about them. So I also spend more time than I should, wondering to myself about how this could be wrong when it feels so right. Being a human can be complex and exhausting, there is and always has been, far too much grey area where there are no rules. In those grey areas it becomes difficult to even save yourself in the battle with yourself. Questions like, who am I? Why am I here? Why do I even care or bother to go on, what is the point of all this? These are questions that I plague myself with on a regular basis. For every moment I spend observing and contemplating the world around me I spend five times that contemplating myself and where I fit in this world around me, what I want from this world around me and what I need from this reality that has been forced upon me.


Functional Dis-function.

If I am ever going

To take things


I need to start

Working furiously

And stop approaching


So deliriously

But I always fall prey

To my own

Curiosity because

This leads me

To debate

Everything endlessly

While striving

For that perfect




I take it too far

But it is

Just because I want

To be where you are

Because you will

Always be

The most

Far away and

Unreachable star

I will never win

This most personal

And endless war


Every page that

I have read

And every word

I have ever said

Will mean nothing

Once I am dead

But there is nothing

I would rather do instead

When I closed my eyes

Even though the

Road has been long

I have always tried to lead

While all the others

Have been content

Simply being led

People always think

That I somehow

Damaged my head

And that I

Have already made

My own final bed

But doubting me

Is the best way

To make me see red