Alive for Now.

Alive for Now.

In the quietest of

Still moments

In the perfect silence

Between one breath

And the next

 

I become aware

That I am alive

 

When I watch

The dawn break

Like a wave

Over the darkness

And shadows

 

I take a moment

To remember

That I am alive

 

Sometimes when

A stranger

Bumps into me

Or our eyes lock

And we both smile

We see each other

In the reflection

Of another

 

And we tell the other

Without any words

That we are both alive

 

I let myself feel hunger

I let myself enjoy the pain

I loose myself in love

And sometimes

I take things too far

I say what no one

Ever dares to say

I laugh out loud

And I learn from

My mistakes

 

Because I need to feel

Alive

I don’t know any other way

To feel

Alive

 

It all comes crashing in

At the strangest of times

Taking hold of every

Fiber that creates

A reality that seems

So very real

While shaking the core

Of the heart

And the soul

With a simple truth

 

That

I am alive

 

It sneaks in

Unsuspected

And unexpected

But there is no way

To deny

Or stop the progression

Once the journey

Has been started

There are more emotions

And feelings to be felt

 

Because

This is what it means

To live and to be

Alive

 

As much as it seems

Like this should be

A comfort

Or that this thought

Should bring security

 

It can be scary to face

The knowledge that

Our stories end the same

And all

We need to learn

Is how to finally live

Like we are

Really alive

2/6/2013 10:30 AM

Our Own

On our own

No one around

No secrets left to be found

There is no sweeter sound

 

On our own

This feels so right

This is our night

There is no end in sight

 

On our own

It goes by too fast

It is the future and past

There are loves that can last

 

On our way to forever

On our own forever

All of this

Forever and ever

 

On our own

We do just fine

We have unlimited time

There is no doubt you are mine

 

On our own

Just doing our own thing

Just letting our hearts sing

There is so much more than just a ring

 

On our own we found our way

On our path we took a moment to play

Because it doesn’t matter to us

What anyone has to say

 

On our own but never alone

The Big Day

A day in photos, with no real order or context because, well, it is more fun that way. It goes without saying that none of these photos were taken by me but out or respect, everyone will remain nameless, to protect the guilty and the really guilty. It was one of the most amazing days of my life and it was made so by all these people you see here, more than anyone though, because of the big monkey next to me. If you would like to claim yourself or your photos, I will leave that up to you.

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If you were at the ceremony and wondered what my real vows said, here it is. It was just too much to read, I went from the heart and kind of summed it all up. What a day it was, so here I am, married and I could not be happier.

 

9/14/2012 4:08 AM

Three hours ago I had the idea that I should go to sleep early and when I closed my eyes, the words, WRITE VOWS, were written on the other side of my lids, so here I am at 4am on the biggest day of my life.

Even though my life has been full of amazing people, I have always felt out of place and alone in the world. This was something I never thought I deserved and the love, understanding and support you have shown over the years changed the very core of my being. I don’t know if I could ever thank you enough or repay you but now I have the rest of our lives to try.

I make this promise that even when my eyes my stray, my heart and soul will always be yours. We have made a life together that anyone would be proud of, you have done what no one else has ever done, you have put up with my crap and decided you like it and want more. Having never thought I would end up here, somewhere in the back of both our minds, we knew we would end up here together if we did.

So far every day with you has been better than the last and I look forward to that trend lasting from this day until our very last. There is no way to deny the way you make me feel is new to me and something that has taken some adjustment, on both our parts I am sure, but I can honestly say that I have never known a happier time in my life, it is that feeling and the person I see reflected in your eyes that lets me know beyond any shadow of a doubt that this is the best choice I have possibly ever made in life.

With my hand in yours, we are unstoppable and the future seems brighter than ever before. I will try my best to love you a little bit more every day and all I ask is that you do the same, we have nowhere to go but onward and upward together from this day forth…. But I didn’t have to tell you any of this since I am sure you are reading it right from the source, I am quite sure this is going to make that telepathic bond even stronger than it was before.

I always say that you gotta try everything once and I am glad I chose to take this journey with you.

 

 

 

 

The Countdown to the Big Day

Let the Countdown Begin.

As everyone knows, I am a silly little girl in love with a great boy who treats me and my kitten like royalty. Matt and I were friends for years and years before we got together so we got engaged rather quickly when we finally gave in and decided we belong together. That was two years ago I think, it was Halloween, I know that and I was dressed up like Santa Clause. Yeah. This is one of many reasons I have to marry him as fast as possible.

I should go back and give a little back story I guess. I am not a silly little girl in love even though I am a girl in love. I don’t get silly even if I go get a little mushy and disgustingly cute sometimes. I was never the girl who dreamed of where and when my wedding would be, I was the girl who went out to play basketball or go four wheeling with the guys, music and movies always filled my head. I have been in love but it never ended well so I trained myself to be a little more cold than most, he broke through all that and laughed like those walls were never there.

When I was younger I dated girls, a bunch of girls, girls of all kinds and some guys now and then too. It was pointed out earlier by one of them that I always said I would never get married and in the past, it was true because when they say you know it when you meet the one, they are right. I will not look back and say I did not try everything before I got to this place, I will not have to wonder if there is something else out there because all roads have always led back to him. People are going to say this makes me straight now but I am not someone who bothers with labels unless they are on cans of food. I don’t like girls any less, I just like him more than I like just about everyone else. He doesn’t mind checking out girls with me and he is good with a camera, he manages the same porn shop I used to work at long ago, I got him hired there.

None of it really went very well for one reason or another, relationships just were not for me, I was always a famously free spirit even before I started working at the porn store and my whole perceptions of life changed. Of course I blamed myself, thought there was something wrong with me but this is what you are supposed to do while you are young right? Unlike most though, I had my fun safely and I managed to keep from having kids or any other marriages go wrong yet and neither has he. At this age it is kind of unique. We are matched in so many ways, we fit and compliment each other in ways that make it seem meant to be.

A few years back there were some poor choices made on my end and in more ways than he will ever really know, he saved me, saved me from myself. Rock bottom is different for a lot of people and mine was not that bad compared to some but that was where I was at. Everything clicked into place and the time we were spending started to mean a lot more than usual, I started looking at him differently. There were weeks on end that I would spend on his couch, watching movies long into the night and it did not take long before the most important piece of my life came to join me on the couch. At first it was scary because animals were not supposed to be allowed but once we got permission things started running smoothly.

Over the last few years we have all grown so close that there is a very obvious telepathy that happens between us. I think back to people I have dated and I watch the relationships of the people around me and I know this has to be the one because nothing, NOTHING in my life has ever worked so well or felt so natural. There is always some kind of tug of war in relationships and we are all taught that it is a battle, a challenge of some kind but it has never felt like that with him and that is how I know this will work for that elusive forever. Over the years we have had some fights but never as a couple, we know each other too well and that are what makes it perfect, everything has been ironed out already.

It helps that we have the same sense of humor and the same tastes in a lot of stuff. This is the unicorn of relationships and we are starting a whole new journey together, one that true, I never thought I would take but now cannot picture anyone else by my side. As for that mouthy ex earlier, I was pretty proud of not being lured into fighting. It proves I just might be grown up enough for all this. Maybe I really did learn from all the mistakes and failed attempts like her.

There are so many things I am proud of and thankful for in my life. I have such great friends, a home full of love and a career that can only keep getting better and better as long as I keep working hard at it and the greatest guy anyone could ask for. This is what it is all about, this is what people try their whole lives to find and create for themselves. Maybe they were wrong, maybe I did alright for myself after all, and maybe I can do anything now, maybe the whole world can be mine. I never felt like I deserved anything like this or would be able to make it work if I did get the chance, I always expected the worst and learned to content myself with less than nothing. If I was more of a believer I would say that all the shit I went through was tallied and whoever keeps track decided it was finally time for things to turn around for me. But if I believe anything it would be that I did this, I made myself into this person who is so loved by this fantastic person. I am thankful I had the strength to keep fighting and keep trying and keep hoping. I finally think it might all be worth it, I know what it means to be happy finally. It can only get better from here.

So here we are, days away from my wedding. We were out having dinner the other night at the beach and he started talking about issues with the website we were going to order rings from so while he was in the bathroom I snuck over to a little jewelry stand next to the restaurant and picked out two rings, I even had them engraved by the nice lady who ran the booth. I spent longer than I should have talking to her because Matt and my food were waiting but only one had a confused look. I put the rings on the table and told him that none of it matters, we have our whole lives to buy expensive rings, we have our whole lives to plan trips to Las Vegas and anywhere else we might want to go, all that matters is that we make the commitment, we love each other and we try to make it special. We got the license the next day and then my best friend told me she worked with a guy who was a justice of the peace so then all that was that.

Today he confirmed with his boss, my best friend that he could get out of work in time so we sent out the invites, called family and planned for all the other little details that slackers like us will put off till the last moment. I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person and I know this is going to be just as much fun as the last few years have been together.

The best part of it all is that our event coincided with some great local bands playing at a bar near us. At some point in the night they will also be filming a video for the newest single off their new album. Over the last few months I have become really close with the Mindset X clan and I felt honored that they didn’t mind me kind of sharing their party. Before I even knew this would end up being such a big day for me, I wrote this piece for the examiner.com just saying hey, this sounds cool and these guys are awesome. They have been super supportive since I started trying to be a “music journalist” and it means the world to me. I am thrilled they are going to be part this special night, I think it will be the first time I have really met any of them in person. With all the love they have shown since I have told them I get the feeling this is going to be a fairly epic night and an amazing way to start this chapter of a life I am really finding to be much more fun than I ever thought before.

Stay tuned for more…..         because like I said, I am a silly little girl in love.

9/5/2012 5:47 AM

The Money Shot

Money Shot.

Girls seem to feel the need to have other girls tell them how to live, love and dress. Somehow I ended up with a subscription to In Style magazine and it sort of horrified me. I think it would be the absolute death of writing if I had to tell other girls what to wear this season or what make-up is going to drive their men wild. Writing about what some celebrity is wearing or screwing would be even worse though I guess. There is so much of this out there that I wonder if anyone bothers thinking for themselves anymore.

A big reason I do not jump on this bandwagon as a blogger is because I am nothing like most girls and I never have been. While some people admire this, others think it crazy, over the top, out of line and inappropriate behavior. I figure no one would want to hear what I have to say on the subject because it might break down a few walls for people, show them that some girls still do have standards and care about things going on in the world. Perhaps this will upset the balance and send earth spinning off into the far edges of the universe but I guess it is time for the other side to speak up and be heard.

The first thing I feel I should say, is that it was not the years of working at different porn stores did not give me these attitudes, if anything, it gave me a much more open mind, that is about it. It taught me how to be proud of being a woman; it taught me how to use those powers instead of being afraid of them. The arguments that porn demeans women are made by the women who fear their sexuality and other women’s sexuality. I don’t think as feminists we should judge anyone for doing what works for them. Those girls get to be stars; if anything it is the men who are mistreated. I had a good time working there and learned a lot about myself in those years, I learned about what people are capable of and what a person can get used to being subjected to after a while.

What had really caused my head to spin; more than anything are the girls who would never be caught dead walking into a porn store. Lately I have met a lot of girls who have never even used a sex toy, girls who mistake kink for abuse but take any other kind of abuse thrown at them and call it love.

So here is my advice when it comes to sex, figure it out for yourself, take some time to yourself and learn what you like, then watch some porn and learn to get comfortable saying exactly what you want, out loud, learn to give direction. The only way you can be good at any of it is to know what you like and how it is done, learn to take control.

Stop overthinking things and go with the flow. If you relax more, I am not saying anal sex will be pleasant but it will not hurt as much and become less of a big deal, guys love that for some reason but hate when you tell them it shows some homosexual tendencies, so never bring that up, no matter what. All the advice I could give, boils down to everyone should stop being so uptight, enjoy it for what it is and try everything at least once, twice if you like it. With all the violence in the world I do not think that using god as an excuse not to enjoy everything there is to enjoy in life anymore, why shouldn’t we all balance the hate with as much love as possible. Makes sense to me at least, but then again, I am not the jealous sort, I know how many issues it can cause, it is a waste of time and energy. Once you realize that expecting there to only be one person out of seven billion for each person is absurd, you can evolve past those petty little fights.

I know it contradicts things to say do it yourself and then fill the world with love but I listen to so many girls fighting to change the people they are with or how they hate them but try to keep the peace as much as they can, women who let themselves be doormats, jumping from one relationship to another looking for love. When it is right, it is right, that person will fit perfectly into the flow of you. If you have to fight it or work too hard for it, it’s not the right it. Personally, I had more fun by myself with my friends than I ever did trying to make something work that had no chance of working with someone I didn’t really like. But then again I have never really based my self worth on someone else, which has sometimes worked to my advantage but other times has left people frustrated and wanting more.

So as for dating, my best advice is be you and be proud of it. Never settle for anything less than the best and if all else fails, we get back to figuring it out for yourself. The better you get at taking care of yourself the faster you will realize when something is not working for you. Love is supposed to sooth the savage beast, not starve it into insanity. It is hard to listen to people who do not change them or learn from their mistakes but keep complaining about it, if you thrive on the drama, keep it to yourself. I accept there are just women out there who are just like that so, don’t try to change them, just tell them to suck it up and go about your day. I have had to cut many people out of my life because I just get tired of hearing about it, I don’t think it makes me a bad friend, maybe a little short of patience if anything. Having more than one dimension really helps in the dating world, it helps in life too, if you’re not interesting or worth talking to, you better have something else to keep people interested for longer than ten minutes. Once you find a shiny happy place in yourself, it will be hard for the people around you to see anything else. It is all about how you carry yourself

This leads me to fashion. If you are a girl who has any kind of word written on your ass, you will never be taken seriously and you have no right to get upset if people objectify you or treat you like a piece of meat. If you want to be respected, you have to be someone worth respecting. The same things are ‘in’ this season that should be in style every season, taste, grace and confidence. For men, less pink, pants pulled up, maybe some ties and sweater vests, make you look like a gentlemen instead of a clown. Band t shirts and cut off shorts are cute if you are Dennis the Menace but we really need to grow a bit as a species. Guys wearing “wife beaters” is just kind of gross and speaks to the kind of guy wearing it, girls wearing them however, is ironic and always hot, unless you have a big gut hanging out the bottom edge, those girls need to be shaken at the very least or beaten, someone needs to save them from themselves. Fitted suits, things like that, maybe I live in a dream world though, never mind. Maybe it would be better if we all ran around naked again, it would level the playing field and save everyone money if nothing else. Fast food would be ended within a year if that happened because everyone would make more of an effort to look good and take care of themselves. If it worked then, it could work now.

Be comfortable because there are some things that will never go out of style, when you know yourself you know where your comfort level is and if that level is going out in your pajamas with slippers all the time, you’re as good as dead already and you should stop going out at all. I guess the look called classic is one that will never go out and it is very versatile. You can add touches to it from any other style and it is all about the accessories. It is easy to stand out when you stop trying so hard.

When it all comes down to it, here is how I would sum up everything I read in that magazine, if you stop giving a fuck and follow your gut instead of trends, things might work out in the end. Cut out the drama and bull shit, fight for what and who you want to be and try to be a little deeper than a mud puddle.

This may only be my first of many installments of Money Shot because, as we all know, sex sells and now that I live in a world full of crap like 50 Shades of Grey and Twilight leading people astray and these magazines telling girls it is just fine to act like cliché twats, I feel like someone should speak up for the other girls. The girls who look for more in life than children and some guy to fight with on a regular basis in the name of love. The girls who will never take home someone who can’t outdrink them or keep them mentally stimulated, the girls who will go just as crazy when you both go to see some great band and hold her own with the crowd around her no matter how wild it gets, the girls who would rather stay up all night watching movies, the girls who play video games and then cook you one of the best meals you have ever had, I know I can’t be the only one out there.                                               8/1/2012 3:32 AM

Showing Some Love

New Worlds and Old.

The other day I was going to make this piece about how my honey and I are big kids and you can’t take us anywhere. Everywhere we go we make friends and everywhere we go we seem to create good times. I was poking and whacking at him with a plastic sword in Target and hit some guy on accident. Of course I turned, giggling and apologized, both of the guys were laughing too, we all joked about it again at the register. Who does that? Who goes out and randomly makes friends from three states away, takes them out to party, end up dancing with well-dressed 80 year old guys in biker bars? Who does that? You can’t take us anywhere. My bet is that I made that guy’s night; he got down and danced his ass off. I hope when I am that age I am still getting dolled up and trying to dance with pretty young girls. My honey and I have such a good time together. We make friends everywhere we go; no matter how much we pretend to be dark and anti-social. It leads us to whole new worlds, either it will be more fun than you know what to do with, or you will be embarrassed. It’s not like we go out looking for trouble or intends to make friends everywhere we go, it just happens. I take it to mean that we are just that cool, even strangers can see it. I never thought I would be a part of one of those sickeningly sweet couples but now that I am here I really like the feeling. You can’t take us anywhere, we have too much fun together, that’s what love is all about.

I have mentioned before that I have been spending a bunch of time playing Need for Speed the Run, this has not changed and this is why my writing has been kind of erratic lately. This has also become one of my new worlds since I have never really played video games online before. I was always afraid I would never be able to keep up, that I was never good enough to play with REAL gamers. Since I can hold my own, I have made some friends while playing, guys I race with that are a lot of fun and let me win now and then. It is definitely something I never expected and what surprised me the most is that they are all near my age, I always figured that gamers were most allies like 10 to 15 year olds. I am sure all those kids are out there and are nice kids but I am far too violent and potty mouthed to allow kids that age into my life. My downstairs neighbor is an acceptation, I think in a way, she looks up to me and I take that responsibility seriously. When I was her age I remember the people I hung out with that were my age now and I think that she could do a lot worse. One of the biggest reasons I have accepted getting old is that at least I am a cool old person. All of this is new worlds for me, for years I stuck with the same circle of friends so branching out has been very satisfying. There is a big bad world out there and I am glad that as I fearlessly adventure out into it, I have been met with friendly responses. Meeting new people is becoming one of my new favorite hobbies; the world is my oyster and all that.

My writing has allowed me to connect with so many people I would have never met. It makes me thankful that I decided to stop hiding; it makes me feel like I might be doing something somewhat important just by being me, and something I have always proudly been. Being seen and seeing things on a bigger, broader horizon has allowed me to stop questioning myself so much, it has given me a bit of confidence that I never really had before. Sure, I am just as crazy as everyone always thought but now I see that is not a bad thing; there are plenty of other crazy people out there too. The world needs more crazy and I appreciate every person out there who flies their freak flag high, someday I hope I can meet them all. One day at a time, the freaks shall inherit the earth.

As much as I love all the new people in my life, there are so many old friends that I would be lost without. Sundays have been my favorite night of the week for years now because it is the night we have family dinner. It may not be your typical dinner or your typical family but it works for us, it makes Monday hurt a little less when you spend the night before eating, drinking and spending time with friends and loved ones. It is good to have tradition and at least once a week, we all have a good homemade feast.

For as many years as I can remember, we have all gone to rock shows together too. This summer is shaping up to be another wild one. In a few weeks, our Sunday dinners will become cook outs by the pool and weekend nights are going to be filled with all sorts of great shows. For a while I got discouraged and thought I should grow up and stop rocking out all the time. When I got thrown out of my favorite bar I thought it was all over, I figured I would just go see the bands I love most when I get the chance, stop making it the focus. It is just too much fun though and I doubt I will ever grow out of going to shows. Now the trick is to stop drinking so much that I have to take pictures and video to remember the night, I guess that’s how you grow up. Since I haven’t had my license I have kind of lost my self-control, my health is becoming more of an issue now. Even though I have been feeling like I am too old, I still have a weekend of some of my favorite bands and the best of friends coming up quite soon. No matter the age, you don’t lose it once you have it; dancing with the old guy the other night proves that. Tonight I found out about another awesome show on my birthday at this bar that is becoming my favorite. Ever since I started writing about music on the examiner.com I have been writing about metal shows and the last piece I wrote was about that bar so I feel like I had to write about how excited I am about screaming chick metal on my birthday here instead of there. It feels like I should pretend to be into other kinds of music because I really am, I am excited about Willy Wonka being the play in the park this summer too and I am very excited for booze cruises this summer, all of which will be written about at some point. Sometimes I make myself ill with how much I write about being happy but I figure joy is contagious, maybe I can take everyone along for the ride, through my new worlds as I discover them and my old worlds as I keep holding on for the long haul.

Everything can change

In the blink of an eye

Nothing is out of range

Not even the sky

                                                   4/17/2012 9:29 PM

Date Night, in 3-D

Now In 3-D.

Like many aspects of technology, I have been very slow and hesitant to hop on this 3-D craze. Honestly I am still just starting my blue-ray collection and learning how to play video games. Sure, there were movies I would have liked to have seen in 3-D but I just never got around to it or never had enough interest to bother with going to see it in the theater. Admittedly, I am a snob, if Black Swan had been in 3-D or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo had been in 3-D, I would have checked it out a long time ago.

Star Wars though, seemed like the perfect first 3-D experience. So we called a date night, ended up playing trivia in the bar of the restaurant we went to and found out that we really aren’t as smart as we think we are and then went over to the theater. There was a herd of teenagers when we got there and we looked at each other and rolled our eyes thinking they were going to the same movie as us. It was the exact reason why we usually just stay home. Luckily though, they went and watched something else, there was barely anyone watching the Phantom Menace with us. It was peaceful and we got to enjoy our over-priced candy and our nice buzz in the furthest row, like cute couples like us are supposed to do on date night.

Him and I had both seen the movie a million times and thought that 3-D was going to be pretty special. Honestly, the most effective 3-D moment was with the scrolling words at the beginning, the whole long ago in a galaxy far, far away part. Sure, the pod race was cool looking and a few other parts were really big and spectacular but over all I don’t get the fuss over 3-D. For the most part, I was left sitting there wondering how long it was going to take before all these geniuses who created this new wondrous technology are getting sued because people ended up with brain damage or they went blind.

The way my head felt after had little to do with the margarita I had earlier with dinner. I figure it’s a matter of time now that everyone has 3-D TV’s in their houses and they play video games in 3-D too. It can’t be good. Like all these prescription drugs that are now causing all sorts of problems now, it seems like eventually we are going to find out that there wasn’t enough research done in the long term effects. But, what do I know.

Ever since those first three Star Wars movies have come out, everyone has been pretty harsh on poor Jar Jar Binks. I don’t get it though, I think he is cute and he was even cuter in 3-D honestly. Clumsy and accident prone, I sort of feel for him. He doesn’t know when to shut up either so, we have a lot in common to be honest. On opening night when it first came out, I was offered some mushrooms by a hippy chick sitting next to me, even though I was there with my grandmother and some other ‘family’ I took her up on her offer. It was not enough to really make me trip, it was just a happy, floating place that could explain my love of Jar Jar Binks and why I wasn’t very impressed with all the 3-D hoopla. My hope though is that they do all of them again with the new effects, the third one, with the fire planet will be pretty amazing, it was without 3-D so I am looking forward to seeing that someday and knowing George Lucas, it’s just a matter of time.

All in all, it was an awesome date night, wrapped up with some Tetris with the two people I love most. This really is the life; I am completely and absolutely blessed. Now we just have to get rid of this crappy, half-assed winter so we can get back to our date nights at the beach watching fireworks. When we left the theater, it was snowing, in 3-D; we skipped and frolicked in 3-D; now I am officially ready for winter to be over.

2/22/2012 3:18 AM

Part Seven

No Such Thing as Normal. (Draft)

On average, Angel had moved to a different city every year of her life, it was just the way it was. Her mom was flighty and unpredictable, getting involved with different men in each city and then moving her and Angel every time it fell apart. She got really good at making friends and blending into new situations, even though she hated it every time. For most of her life, Angel had felt alone and this caused some issues because no one understood some of the choices she made.

Her mom was going to collage for as long as she could remember and was always focused on writing papers or doing different projects, between that and the long line of loser boyfriends, Angel was left to figure things out for herself for the most part. She watched all her friends battling with her over protective parents and she considered herself lucky, her mom was really pretty cool and they got along more like friends or siblings than mother and daughter.

When Angel turned sixteen, her mom hooked up with an unusually drunk, disgusting guy, even for her mom’s standards. It was summer and they were on their usual yearly camping trip and Angel woke up one night and heard her mom and this guy fucking in the tent that was five feet away from hers. She was used to her mom doing shit like this, she was used to her mom having no standards but her performance that night was a new low, earlier that night, they had been making fun of the drunk, rolling their eyes and cracking jokes about how pathetic he was, now, the whole camp was hearing about how she had changed her mind.

It was the beginning of the end and it was the beginning of a life changing summer for Angel. On the way home from that camping trip, she could barely even look at her mom, her mom didn’t say anything about her late night encounter and Angel wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up. They went about their forced, blind relationship like nothing had happened. It was the way everyone in their family dealt with things that bothered them, complete denial was safe, easy and it kept the gears running. No one wanted to be the one to rock the boat or cause any bother to anyone else, no one wanted to be noticed and by no means should there EVER be any kind of confrontation. Angel didn’t know any better at this age but she was finally starting to figure things out. Apparently even Angel’s grandmother had been in an abusive relationship the whole time her and Angel’s grandfather had been together and all that separated them was him finally dying. On that ride home, she made some decisions, it was time to make some changes in her life, she thought she was finally old enough and she felt ready.

Angel was glad that she had at least got through her first year of high school and she was thankful it was summer time, so she had a few friends she could call when she got home. All she wanted was some hard drinking and some space to she could think about the disastrous camping trip. This was the longest they had stayed in one place and she felt like the friends she had made here might really get her, even though she had no idea who she was in the long run, she just knew the act that she had been playing since she got there the year before. Even if they weren’t the cool kids, they were fun and they were close and they had taken Angel into their circle right from the start and that meant the world to her. They were now in her eyes her new family since she had now had enough of the one she was born with.

Once everything was out of the car, Angel was on her way to her friend Gina’s since she  could just walk there and she hoped she would get her high and listen to her tale of woe. Gina was one of her favorite friends because they walked to and from school every day together. Gina’s parents were strange and religious and Angel was always uncomfortable in their house. Behind there though, was a quiet little pond and this was where they always met. It was shady and cool and there were a few comfortable rocks to sit and hang out on. One of the other places they liked to meet was the boat launch that was down the street from Angels crappy little apartment. Both of these places allowed the girls privacy and a place to escape from their crazy families, they were relatively protected from the law when they hid out in either place and they were drinking or getting high or skipping school together.

In the summer sun they shared a bowl of some crappy low end pot, passed a bottle of peppermint schnapps back and forth. Bitching about their family was the glue that held their relationship together. Angel said, “My mom is such a slut” and Gina said, “My mom is such a nut”. It was a conversation they had on almost a daily basis.

They sat finished off the bottle together and decided they both deserved a night out since they were such good kids for dealing with their keepers that called themselves parents. Angel said they should call some people and get out of there as the sun went down. Nighttime was always her favorite time, she felt more alive and with the cheap booze running through her veins, she was ready to go out and get in some trouble, to blow off some steam.

With only two phone calls they found themselves in the bright lights of the most hopping beach town in the state. Mike and Annie and another friend named Beth were along with them. Since Angel and Gina were both pretty buzzed already it was best to get someone else to drive. It was Friday night and the boardwalk was packed, it was almost shoulder to shoulder as fat tourists and drunk punks of all ages stumbled about from bar to bar and then fast food place to loud arcade. It was like everyone and their mother was there that night since there was going to be fireworks starting a few hours later.

Even Angel’s mother was there. They ran into each other in the crowd, literally. Angel asked her mom, “What are you doing here?” Her mom was usually in bed studying by eight at night and her mom was caught off guard too so she said “ umm….ahhhh….you know, watching the fireworks”. Angel saw the overnight bag under her arm and said “ oh, right sure.” She was worried that her mom would notice how fucked up she was so she said good night and that she would be home later and made a quick exit.

Since it was crowded, she decided to follow her mom for a while and see what she was really up to. Angel wasn’t really surprised when her mom went into a bar and found the scumbag she screwed while they were camping. “Fucking typical”, Angel said to herself and she took off to go walk on the beach in the opposite direction.

Angel was lost in thought as she walked, thinking about the joint she had in her cigarette pack and wondering if she could find a quiet place to go smoke it alone. Seeing her mom ruined her night but she knew none of her friends would be ready to go until almost sunrise, not that she could have found them at this point anyway.

From behind her, someone was yelling her name, trying to get her attention but Angel was oblivious. When the girl who played drums in jazz band with her tapped her on the shoulder  from behind, Angel turned around and swung with all her strength as a reflex. At night, around here, a girl walking alone had to know how to defend herself and Angel was better than most even though she didn’t look like it. Years of being the “new girl” and getting in fights over it with whomever the resident tough girl was gave her some skills that were not obvious to the naked eye.

Tonight though, she felt bad. Angel and Jess knew each other from class but they had never really hung out together before except on the field trips that they took together with band class. “I’m sorry, Jess, you snuck up on me, are you alright?” and she gave her friend a hug. Jess smiled and said, “Your fucking nuts, I was yelling your name since the ice cream shop back there, it’s okay. What’s up, how are you?” “You know, same shit, I was going to find somewhere to smoke this, and you want to come? It’s the least I can do for almost knocking you out.” Jess said sure of course and they wandered down to the edge of the water together.

Angel knew that Jess had a few years on her since she had just graduated the year before. She smiled at Jess and said, “Nice night” as they took the last couple of hits. They stood there with their feet in the sand and the waves washing around their ankles watching the fireworks and enjoying a nice comfortable buzz together. Jess could buy them more drinks since she had turned of age the week before so she asked Angel what she was doing and if she wanted to hang out and Angel quickly said, “Yeah, you want to get out of here?”

Since Angel didn’t say much as the girls walked along the beach together on the way to Jess’s car, Jess didn’t really ask many questions or try to fill the void with conversation. Angel would open up and talk when she wanted to and for now she seemed to be just enjoying the nice breeze and the moon that shined down upon them, it really was a nice night.

When they got in the car, Angel suddenly felt exhausted and Jess asked her what they were drinking. “Vodka, comrade.” Was Angels response and they were at the liquor store before she knew it and then on they were at Jess’s house mixing juice and fruit and cheap vodka into a blender with ice. Angel had given all her money over at some point in the journey and the idea of forgetting everything and getting back into a good mood woke her up some and put the beginnings of a smile on her face.

Angel asked where her parents where and Jess told her that her mom was on vacation with her girlfriend. Jess liked girls too and now it made more sense to Angel, mom was gay too. It never occurred to her to feel uncomfortable because for the most part, she hated people as a whole and didn’t trust them anyway so when she found someone she genuinely liked and got along with, she didn’t really worry about the details, Angel just followed her gut and her heart usually. But once she knew she was safe from prying adult eyes, she sat at the kitchen table and rolled another joint for them while Jess added whip cream to their frozen, fruity drinks. They took their drinks out to the back patio to enjoy the night.

To show her appreciation, as she handed Jess the joint, she told her “ You don’t even know how badly I needed this, thank you” and she leaned back on the rocking metal chair and looked up at the stars. “You don’t seem to be yourself tonight, I’m glad I could help.” Angel finished off half her drink in one sip and she loosened up, launching into her story. As the girls drank, her and Jess talked until the sun came up about everything and nothing, they laughed and told each other the secrets that only alcohol can make people tell.

As the sun came up they destroyed the kitchen and cooked everything they could find for breakfast and settled in to watch their favorite movies since in their drunken rants, they found that they had that in common too. Neither girl made it through even half of the first one before passing out cold.

It was dark when they woke up except for the blue screen on the TV. Angel ran to the kitchen and started violently puking in the sink. She saw the bottle sitting on the shelf and saw that between them, they had finished all but an inch at the bottom and that knowledge sent her into another bout of emptying her stomach. Breakfast might have been a bad idea but at least she wasn’t thinking about the weekend, just the night before and the new friend that she had made. Jess came in and gave her a pat on the back, they laughed and started cleaning up the kitchen together.

Gina came by when they were almost done cleaning and Angel asked if she had heard from her mom. Gina said, “Nope, no mom but I saw you guys leaving last night so I figured I would come see what you were up too.” Jess and Gina knew each other too since in a town this small, everyone knew everyone else. Angel wasn’t really sure if they hung out or got along but they must have since Gina knew where Jess lived well enough to just show up.

While Jess took a shower Gina brought up how cool it was that Jess basically had this huge house to herself all the time and how compared to the shit they had to deal with at home, it seemed like Jess had it made. “It seems lonely to me,” Angel said, “ besides, mom has a girlfriend, that had to have been rough on her, everyone has something and everyone’s family is fucked up in one way or another. But yeah, we got wrecked last night so having your own space is pretty fucking cool.” Gina’s eyebrows shot up and she said, “Oh, yeah and how was that, is that all that happened last night?” Gina had a mischievous grin and Angel walked out onto the patio to smoke instead of answer Gina’s question since she didn’t really know how to. Something else had happened the night before but Angel wasn’t really sure what it was yet so she preferred to just not think about it.

The truth of her own statement settled on Angel while she sat outside in the fresh air and the thought allowed her to let go of a little bit of the hate that she was carrying around about her mom, only a little bit. Everyone has something, there was no such thing as normal, realized Angel and she kept repeating it to herself. The more she said it the more she liked the weight of truth behind it. Jess and her two moms lived in a three bedroom house that sat on acres upon acres of land, and they were on some fantastic vacation together somewhere together. Angel found that she was jealous in a lot of ways because even though a gay mom was unique, at least there was love and stability in Jess’s life. They obviously took care of themselves and did pretty well for themselves. Angel felt at peace sitting here and she blew smoke rings into the air. She knew, because Jess had told her the night before that she had moved around almost as much as Angel had. You can never tell what lies below a seemingly perfect surface, there is no such thing as normal.

Jess had come back from showering and asked Angel if she wanted to use her bathroom to clean up, Angel told her that she should probably swing in and check in with her mom, since she never stayed out all night, she figured her mom might be worried, at least that’s what she thought. Gina said she heard about a keg party at the beach later so Jess and Angel looked at each other, smirked and shrugged their shoulders, saying in unison, “why not”.

When Angel got home, she brought the girls upstairs with her in case her mom was pissed about her not coming home the night before so she could deflect it. She knew her mom would never be a bitch in front of anyone else because it would ruin the illusions she tried to project. Everything was dark though and no one was home. In the back room of the apartment, past her mom’s room with the bed made, Angel pressed the button on the answering machine. There were three messages, all in a slurring male voice in a crowd on a cell phone. All the time stamps were from an hour before she had run into her mom the night before. The messages played out and Angel realized that her mom still had not come home either, she laughed, said “fuck it” and went the get the bottle of whiskey that her mom always had in the freezer. Jess, Gina and Angel did a shot each before Angel got herself cleaned up, and then one more before they left.

The party was in full swing when they got there with a raging bonfire in the middle of everything. Drunken teenagers were dancing around, there were movements off in the shadows and that could only mean that there were also drunk teenagers falling all over themselves and falling all over each other already and it wasn’t even 11 at night yet. It was a typical scene, Angel thought to herself that it was also how almost all the horror movies she had seen always began like this too.

As much as she tried, Angel was not a people person. She had moved around too much and although her skills at socializing were sharp, she still preferred to hang out alone so she wandered around on the beach picking up shells and different rocks. When she had her fill of cheap beer, Angel made her way back to Jess’s car to grab her mom’s bottle of whiskey that she had stolen and stashed in the back seat, wrapped in a sweatshirt. Gina got lost and found some other friends almost as soon as they got there but Jess was lying back on the trunk of her car, with some mellow song coming out of her stereo. There was a half empty cup of beer sitting next to her, condensing a puddle that shined against the paint, Jess was just staring off into space, obviously in her own little world. Angel tried to be quiet and not disturb her friend  and she stood and wondered if she should but when Angel finally did, the door shook the whole car when she shut it. Jess said, “Hey” and Angel said, “Hey” and there was a high pitched girly giggle that came from the direction of the bonfire. Gina was enjoying herself.

“I don’t want to bother you, sorry,” Angel said and Jess told her not to worry about it, Angel asked her if she was having a good time and leaned against the car next to her, offering her a pull off the whiskey. Jess said, “Nah, thanks, not if we want to get home safe.” Angel couldn’t fault that logic and asked if she would prefer to get high instead, letting it go that her real question had not been answered. Jess smiled and told Angel, “Sure, come, sit, and join me.”

It was another perfect summer night and there was a thunder storm off over the ocean it gave them something to watch instead of the party raging around them both. Jess asked her why she wasn’t enjoying the party and Angel said, “Kids, can’t deal with them, this is much more my pace. I am enjoying enough I guess, it’s definitely getting better now.” She took a hit off the joint and washed it down with whiskey and felt the warm blanket of inebriation wash over her. Part of her was starting to wonder if maybe it was something about Jess that calmed her down too, she was just so calm and mellow, the silences were always comfortable and the conversations were always interesting, they had almost everything in common. Angel said this, and Jess told her, “Dude, you’re fucked up.” They both laughed but Angel knew that the feeling was mutual.

That night, Jess had company on the couch again. Angel’s last thought as she passed out was that she was right, that camping trip had changed everything and she just didn’t care anymore. She felt Jess take the empty bottle from her hands and cover her in a blanket. In her sleep she muttered “Thank you, ILoveyouYA KNOW” in a drunken slur. Jess laughed, said something like “yeah, I wish, sleep well you nut” but Angel never heard anything, she wouldn’t really be able to remember most of the night or half of what was said.

At least she didn’t puke again the next morning and she felt pretty good about that. Jess was cooking bacon and the smell was what woke Angel up, “Good morning” she said as she curled up at the kitchen counter that went across the room and held her head in her hands. Jess put a cup of strong coffee in front of her and went back to preparing breakfast. “I’m beginning to think I should call you Angel, I feel like crap.”

Jess had to get to work that day and said that her mom was coming back later so they should find something to do later when she got out of work. Angel said, “Sure” and Jess dropped her off at home on her way. Her mom was finally home and when Angel came in, and she tried to pretend to be a concerned parent and demanded to know, “WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN YOUNG LADY?”. This made Angel laugh and respond in a nice, cool and calm voice, “You know, around, where have YOU been (chuckle) young lady?”  the look on her mom’s face was priceless, it got red and she sputtered, looking for a way to explain what Angel had already known so she helped her out and said, “Yeah, let’s not worry about it huh, its summer, we are all just having a good time huh?” All her mom could say after that was, “You owe me a bottle of whiskey too.” “Yeah, okay mom” Angel said as she went into her bedroom and turned some music on. To prove her point she decided to steal her mom’s weed stash before she went out with Jess that night. “Fuck her,” she whispered to herself in the darkness of her bedroom. Her mom had to realize, it was a new day and she was dealing with a new Angel.

There was a lot to think about as she settled into her nest of junk and childhood mementos. The music was comforting and soon she fell into a dreamless sleep. Her mom banged on her door a few hours later to let her know that she had a phone call and that she was going out for a while and of course, “I love you Angel baby” as she was going out the door . Like that still meant something or like Angel had dreamed the exchange that happened between them before she had gone to hide and recover from her hangover. It was Jess on the phone and Angel thought, “Finally”.

“My mom might be going on vacation this time so we might as well just hang out here tonight, who knows when she will be back.” Jess said awesome and showed up and hour later with some movies she rented, a pizza and some beers. They toasted and talked over the movie, building the bond of friendship the way people had for ages and eons before them.

Jess said that her mom was home already and “I think my mom’s girlfriend is nuts, she told me she was the reincarnation of Betty White and when I told her that Betty White was still alive, she cried. Joining the military is starting to sound good these days.” Everyone had their thing, everyone’s family is fucked up and there is no such thing as normal. Angel said, “My mom met another new guy, I don’t know much about him except that he is a total drunk,  he smells like shit and might have raped my mom and she liked it, now she’s dating him and lying to me. If you join the military, I might go with you.” Everyone has something, everyone’s family was fucked up, and Angel was absolutely sure that there was no such thing as normal.

Later that night, when Jess kissed her, she went with it, since there was no such thing as normal then who cares right? It was nice and it was something she had never done before, she was glad that her mom was out being slutty because it was finally her turn to do the same. That night Jess took her virginity and made it out before her mom got home the next day and saw that she had spent the night. Angel knew that her mom had issues with anyone different and she hated anyone gay most,  and she fell asleep that day with a smile on her face, knowing that her little affair would piss her off just as much as her mom’s new relationship and all the others her mom had in the past. She had her ammo for the next big fight. Which only took another week to happen, Angel smiled and her mom kept asking “What did I do to you? Where did I go wrong?” and this made Angel laugh uncontrollably.

She and Jess saw each other every day and summer turned into fall, school started again and then fall turned into winter, Angel dropped out of school. The girls spent most of their time at Jess’s house since she had the whole basement furnished as a fully functioning and stocked apartment. Since her mom had a girlfriend too, she was a lot more supportive of their relationship. Angel was perfectly content with her new life, all her friends knew she was with Jess and they didn’t care. When she started spending time away from home more often Angels mom took it as I cue to move her drunken boyfriend in. This added a new dimension to everything because this guy really liked Jess and Angel and loved spending time with them a little too much. He would behave like a desperate Horney pig right in front of Angel’s mom and she couldn’t look at her anymore.  She definitely couldn’t stand being home anymore. None of her friends would come upstairs with her anymore, they would wait outside, no matter how cold it was.

Jess was finalizing her plans to join the army and Angel went along with her to some of the interviews. They kept telling her that they wished she was old enough to join too, with the new world war picking up steam, they told her that they could use all the help they could. Angel told them that she was ready and she would go if she could. Anything to get away and do something different.

Gina and all their other friends  had started hanging out at Jess’s house with her and Angel. They would through mini parties in the basement apartment, they would drink themselves stupid and everyone would pass out together. Since Jess was training, the pot smoking became a thing of the past and with how much everyone was drinking, it was a safe bet that they had all safely cleaned out their systems. Their strange little misfit family celebrated together as the holidays rolled by. Angel and Jess were completely in love and completely inseparable by then.

Any time she went home, Angel heard was that she was no good and how she had to find a job and help pay rent now that she had dropped out of school, like she ever stayed there, she had to stop hanging out with that dyke and stealing the pot that wasn’t hers. Since she was drinking and her mom was drinking a lot more with her lovely new boyfriend, everyone was loud and mouthy and there was nothing but fights and half of them didn’t make any sense to anyone.

One of these fights was followed by the announcement that they were going to get married, with or without her blessing. She said, “Great, good luck to you guys. “ Then Angel disappeared for two weeks on a bender and when she came back, she had a form for her mom to sign so that she could be shipped off to the army on the same day as the one person on this earth that she felt like she had a connection with before she was stuck here with these people who she thought she might end up killing at some point in the near future.

Angel’s new ‘dad’ thought it was a perfect idea, a great idea, he was already blindly drunk when she showed up and he still smelled like shit to her. Her mom was at work at the office where she spent most of her time when he wasn’t driving ‘daddy’ around to rip off other scumbags that he knew and get more booze or drugs. He signed the paper and cracked open some beers to celebrate. The asshole was so proud of his daughter going off to serve her country he said, she told him she liked the idea of saying fuck you to a nation that thought that because she was a girl in love with another girl she wasn’t good enough to join their militias, he said “Yeah, yeah that’s going to be great too, that’s going to be great for you.”  He asked for a hug and put his hands all over her when she tried to humor him since he was now, family in some fucked up way. As she felt his dick get hard in his pants, he said, “Your mom was really sad you weren’t at the wedding.” Angel jumped away and shoved him as hard as she could, since she knew she was taking off in a matter of days now that he had signed the paperwork for her. An idea formed in her mind. Daddy hit his head on the corner of the stove when she shoved him and he was so drunk that he just fell to the floor and laid there grabbing his crotch, saying “And I missed you too, oh how I missed you, I was sad you were gone too, oh I missed your cute little fucking dyke too, but I really missed you the most.” He was halfway unconscious and she was about to throw up if she looked at him any longer.

So with the door shut behind her and hiding in her room, she tried to get the rage under control. One of her favorite childhood trinkets was a small wooden bat that had been fitted to her when she was like eight or nine years old, as she looked at the sleek piece of hardwood, she knew what she had to do. Angel looked over the room and threw everything she thought she would possibly want in a bag she kept an ear on the convulsing moron lost in his little world on the kitchen floor. It didn’t take long for her to get all her things together since almost everything that mattered had already been moved over to where she had been staying with Jess. Gina was still in the car, waiting with the engine running since her plan was to just corner her mom and demand that she sign the paperwork and get out of there for good. It was taking a bit longer but she looked out the window and saw Gina where she had left her and she steeled herself for what she was about to do.

She took one last look at the paper that would be her ticket out but that also meant she was going to have to fight in some war she didn’t understand or care about in some country that she could barely pronounce. With all of her worldly possessions on her bag, a bag that had recently held school books and CD’s and her childhood baseball bat in her hand, she took a breath and found Daddy in the kitchen with his cock in hand and his fluids all over his own pants and the floor. Angel couldn’t leave like this, she had to leave a message for her mom, and that message would be Daddy in all his glory, the smile that crept onto her face was like nothing she had ever felt before. Everything felt cold but she knew it was the only way to end the joke that her life had been up until that very moment. As the bat connected with his face, everything felt right for once and she looked forward to going off to do battle and feel this feeling again, she was ready for war she thought. No one screamed, no one saw anything and his blood on the walls of the kitchen was like a work of art. As she went out the door she knew there was no going back. Everyone has their thing, everyone’s family is fucked up, and there is no such thing as normal.

Gina asked her why her hands were shaking so bad when Angel got back in the car but at least it was too dark for her to see the blood that stained her and the black sweatshirt she was wearing. All Angel said was, “We should go down to the dock, like the old days.” It took less than thirty seconds for them to get around the corner  to the dock and when they got there, Gina turned the light on saw the blood and the look in Angel’s eyes but asked no questions, she said everything she needed to say with her eyes. Angel got out of the car in the frigid January night and walked over to the dock, lay down and washed herself in the icy rushing waters. By the time she rolled over and watched her breath steam in the air,  Gina had bundled herself up and made it down to where Angel was laying. “What the fuck happened up there?” And Angel didn’t spare any details while she filled in the fifteen minutes she was inside the place she had once called home. It had been the longest her mom had stayed in one place in Angel’s entire life. The friends she had made here were some of the best friends she had ever had in her life too. She had also gotten to meet her first love and change her life forever, she knew it was the last time she would ever sit there on that dock again.

The stars held no answers tonight and Angel had to figure out what to do next on her own. Gina cranked the heat in the car and seemed worried about her friend. “Here’s what we have to do, Gina are you with me? I want to take a pass back by the apartment to make sure the cops aren’t there yet, I need to go and make sure my mom is still working and then I need to find somewhere to stay until I ship out, and I have to do it fast so I can call Jess and let her know what happened, to let her know I am fine. She might have to rent a hotel room for me.” Gina said, “Okay dude.”

After taking a back road to the other side of the apartments and sitting long enough to be sure that the lights were still off and she had not gathered any attention, they went to the other side of town and sat outside of where Angel’s mom worked. She could see the light on in her mom’s office and her broken down car in its usual space. This was the closest Angel would ever be to her mom again. Everyone has issues, nothing is perfect, everyone’s family is fucked up and there was never any such thing as normal, she thought to herself again.

Gina dropped Angel off at a Chinese food restaurant and went to find Jess and bring them together. Angel thought that she should play it safe and stay away from anywhere she was known, anywhere she had been seen. It took Gina only an hour to make it back and the three girls sat in a quiet corner while Angel told her girlfriend how her mom had married that asshole and how he was out of his mind when she got there and put his hands on her. They had a laugh when Angel told them about him falling to the floor jerking off with beer all over him. Angel said, “I wiped all my prints off the bat when I was done but I left it right next to him so hopefully my mom will pick it up before she knows what she is doing, I think he was breathing but I needed her to see what I thought of him. Best part is, that he still had his cock in his hands and he was covered in his own goo and that is how she is going to find him.”

They drank a few scorpion bowls and Jess said, “We can go get a room at the hotel right next to the airport where the Sargent is meeting us and stay put until then. If they come looking for you, they will come looking for you at my house I’m sure.” Angels said that she couldn’t have survived for this long without her and whatever she had to face didn’t seem too bad as long as they were together. So after one more stop at a store for supplies Jess and Angel went into hiding. Since they wouldn’t need much at boot camp they didn’t worry about all the stuff that was still in Jess’s apartment in the basement. They called the recruitment station to let them know where to reach them, they ate take out, fucked and joked about how stupid the laws that were supposed to keep them out of the military were and how anything would be better than this. They really thought they were screwing the system and were fairly proud of themselves for that, it was another big joke to them.

Angel kept a close eye on the news to see if she had gotten away with her perfect crime and she found out that she had killed her new Daddy with the baseball bat that she learned how to hit baseballs with. Just like she thought would happen, her mom had picked the murder weapon up when she got home that night and the stupid bitch still called the cops even though she knew it had been her daughter. The news report said that pills and drugs and different unregistered guns had been found in the house. All those pills her mom took when she was depressed bit her in the ass and no one believed her when she kept telling them, “That dyke brainwashed my daughter and it was my daughter that did this.” When the cops found the life insurance policy that the loser husband had and found out that my mom was left millions, her fate was sealed. The news said that the daughter was wanted for questioning but otherwise was not a suspect because they found out how upstanding she was and that she was about to go serve her country. In the eyes of the cops, this made her a comrade in arms even at her young age. They only wanted to know why she had gotten permission to enlist or even why wanted to, they wanted to know what had driven such a nice girl to such extremes. Most of them had daughters themselves and the story made them sad, they pictured their own daughters and how all they seemed to care about was make up and the mall and boys. It made them shake their heads in disgust and the news had experts come and talk about how the military was saving the kids of America by offering those opportunities they wouldn’t normally have. Angel’s story was becoming famous throughout the world and it was being used as a recruitment tool.

The day the girls went to the airport to fly out and start training, there were cops and TV cameras lining the gate waiting for Angel. It was the only place that they knew they would be able to find her. When they came around the corner and saw the scene, Jess squeezed Angel’s hand and said, “You look sexy in your uniform, let’s do  this babe.” Angel smiled at her and her eyes filled with love. There is no such thing as normal. Angel knew she had to play this right because she was almost done but this was going to be the hardest part. Within the crowd was also an insurance guy that was there to give Angel the millions that had been left to her mom by the drunk asshole. All this money went to her now since her mom was going to spend the rest of her life in jail. Angel didn’t know what to say or what to do, it didn’t change anything because once you enlist in the military, and they owned you so she went to start her newest adventure in life.

It took longer for Angel to be able to get on the plane than it took for them to get to the base where they switched to the military aircraft that would take them to the camps and bases, then to the warzones in other areas of the world. Jess saved her a seat and had a hard time hiding her smile. Angel felt pretty safe so she told her, “shut up.” They promised each other that they would stick together through all of this. Even though they knew they had to be careful because they were in enemy territory now,  they still kept as many parts of their bodies touching as possible on the flight and whispered together the whole time. Angel told her that all they had to do was survive this and they would be millionaires. “So you got paid to get away with killing that fucker? That is so awesome.”

Then when they landed at the base, things got more serious. Real soldiers, real guns, real tanks and real dangers. Jess and Angel looked at each other and started to worry. There was a time when people would join the military so they could pay for college or like Jess and Angel had done, they enlisted with hopes of a better life but once America went to war with almost all the other countries in the world, all of that changed. Now there were only hardened, lean, mean killing machines who lived for the battle and were more like animals or robots programed only for destruction. “Oh shit.” Angel said and Jess only made a strangled and sick sound in the back of her throat.

They were being yelled at by a red faced, giant that was one big rippling muscle. While standing at attention they present their paperwork that had their assignments printed on them. The angry red faced guy looked over the words that neither of the girls could really make any sense of. He understood the codes perfectly though and in a voice that was louder than needed he asked who Jess was and she said, “Sir, I am sir.” They guys face got redder and redder and she looked the two girls over, shook his head in disgust, he knew what he was dealing with. “Report to F Company by that plane there,” and he pointed and made sure that he had their attention. “Do you think you can manage that?” He asked in a voice that was way louder than it needed to be. Jess repeated the proper phrase, “Sir, YES SIR.” And she was freed to go, Angel thought he meant both of them so she picked up her pack and started to follow Jess who was walking as slowly as she could to the plane that was pointed out.

“Where DO YOU THINK YOUR GOING?” The guy with the red face and the badges and striped patches asked Angel. She said, “Umm, you told us to report  to F Company, I was going to report to F Company, umm, Sir.” Then she was on the ground and tasted blood before she knew what happened. She got her last look at Jess and tasted blood in her mouth while she felt the tears start to tumble down her cheeks. Jess looked back once and tried to run to help when she saw Angel with blood coming out of her mouth and the general closing in to kick her in the ribs. Two burly, uniformed meathead with guns held her back and she fought against them violently.

Angel hated her tears and she felt the familiar anger rise, she hated being humiliated and the things that were being screamed at her and about her in between kicks were the most awful things she had ever heard in her life or ever would again. Her eyes were locked on Jess and she saw the two soldiers holding her back as she fought to come back and help her. Angel hoped that Jess would just walk away, save herself from the same painful fate. The general was asking if she was stupid, he was telling her that she came from inferior stock and that he knew all about her type and that she was worthless. Angel couldn’t help but agree, she guessed that this was what she deserved for what she had done to her mom and that fuck she had married before she left. The general was still kicking her when she saw through the dust, blood and tears that Jess looked back one more time before she disappeared into the bowels of the jet, headed for some remote corner of the earth. “So Jess is on her own now and so am I, if this is how it is then this is how it is, we just need to survive this.” was the last thought she had before losing consciousness.

She came to,  and there was nothing but pain, pain and darkness. Her hands were tied behind her and her legs seemed to be tied together too as far as she could tell. Everything felt strange, Angel could tell that she had broken bones, she could feel blood dripping from her whole body and she wasn’t really sure where she was. Suddenly the room was filled with a blinding white light and she was surrounded by slabs of meat dressed in black and white camouflage. They were nothing but blurry shadows to Angel, without faces and judging by the chill that ran up her spine, these shadows also had no souls. “What do you want?” angel asked, defiantly.

The first soldier grabbed Angel off the floor by her hair, looked into her eyes and asked, “Are you with us sweetheart? I wouldn’t want you to miss this, I want you to enjoy everything a REAL man has to offer.” They had heard about her, they had heard about what she had done, they thought she was using them to escape that law, they were here to deliver their own brand of justice.

Angel closed her eyes as the soldiers passed her back and forth, and she thought about all the moments with Jess that she had shared, she was thinking of sitting with Gina on the dock. Deep down she knew she would never see any of them again in any other way but her imagination, she didn’t think she was going to make it out of this room. One of the shadows punched her with all his might in the face, breaking her nose and said, “If you’re trying to picture your little dyke and escape from this moment, I feel like I should tell you that we sent some of our friends to see her too and welcome her just like we are welcoming you, we got all that money too, do you like that? You hear me you bitch, I have YOUR money and your fucking girl.”  One of the other shadows said, “We are sick of you freaks coming in here and weakening what we stand for and our unity and strength, now we are going to teach you a lesson.”  All of the shadows laughed like this was the best joke ever told and high fived each other between taking turns kicking, fucking and violating Angel for what could have been only moments but might have been days for all she knew. When they told her that Jess was suffering the same fate, she started to put up a fight and this was what they were looking for, they thought they were tough and they wanted to break her in every way possible, this is what they were trained for. Eventually though, anyone’s stamina will fail them, and there is only so much that a body can take, she went limp long before they were done with her, soaked with an assortment of fluids from herself and the shadows that kept attacking her. There was never any such thing as normal and Angel knew this to be a fact now.

She wondered if she could have saved them both if she had not let her tears fall at the first sign of challenge and confrontation. Angel was pretty sure that she got them both killed with her weakness and as she realized that she was going to die here in this cold empty place with only the company of strange, shadowy figures that took and took from her until she was no more, until she had nothing left. The final thought she had was that everyone will end up right where they are supposed to end up in the long run, everyone has their fate, and everyone had their thing. Everyone’s family was fucked up and maybe she should have figured out how to solve her problems and deal with her life instead of running away from them like she did. Since nothing could be done and there was no going back, Angel took her last breath with a smile because she knew that she had at least known love once in her life, even if she didn’t get to have that relationship for as long as she wished she could have but it was still more than most people ever got to have, she had also, in a way, saved her mom from her pathetic cycle of life too, justice for what it’s worth was served. Soon the pain would stop, soon reality would finally stop weighing on her. All that she regretted was that it was going to be over this easily, that her final test was an absolute failure and that because of that, she had also gotten the sweetest person she had ever known killed along with her. She had regrets that she had not put up for of a fight in the name of love. “At least I won’t have to move anymore now,” were her last whispered words to herself as she left this world to try to find something better, something that might be a little more normal. Nothingness and oblivion would be better than everything that she had survived in her short years. Maybe aggression, pain and confusion are the only things that could be considered normal, everyone has their thing, until they have nothing. Everyone’s family is fucked up somehow.

2/4/2012 1:03 PM

Part One

Carney.

I was 20, spending the winter in depths of absolute hell, otherwise known as the east coast, near the lake of fire, staying with my mom, doing dishes at a shitty little restaurant for minimum wage and life was getting boring and difficult. I met a cute girl there and got hooked on eggs benedict by one of the cooks so it wasn’t a total loss I guess. As cute as the girl was, this was the fiery pit of absolute damn nation so she had more than a few flaws you could say. The family I was staying with never really approved of my love of girls, not that I cared, it just made things difficult sometimes when you wanted to get some alone time. Nothing ever lasts around there though, so when the weather changed, our little fling was over before it even started. Not before a few moments of acting like teenagers at friends’ houses or in cars or in the back room of the shitty restaurant. Then because I skipped so many days of work to play with her, I lost the shitty job too, such as life. It wasn’t like I was planning on staying there forever so I didn’t mourn the loss of either very much. I wasn’t even sure why her and I stopped talking to each other but I figured it was for the best.

When the weather broke and spring finally appeared in the most Northern reaches of hell, I started looking for ways to get out. Spending time with my mom was nice, the lake of fire was nice but really I was longing for the life I had left behind and decided I had to get back there somehow. For what it was worth there, having spent enough time away I forgot about all the things that irritated me about living there too. At the time I remember saying that even the darkest reaches of hell would be better than staying where I was.

After spending a few days sitting in a library that only carried Stephen King books, using a computer that was ten years out of date, I found a new job at a shitty little hotel, then emailed a few friends back in the real world and tried to line things up for my return. They told me that nothing had really changed, which didn’t really shock me but they told me that they missed me, which did sort of shock me.

You never know what you will come across in the rooms of cheap, shitty hotels, I could never get over how people would just fuck anywhere, fuck anything and use anything in the process, I liked debauchery as much or maybe even more than the next girl but people never fail to amaze me. Over the years I had seen more porn than anyone should ever have to see and even the poop videos or the roughest bondage films or fisting videos never had anything on these freaks. Flannel seemed to the color of choice for everyone, even the toothless whores that worked there in various capacities wore flannel and thought it to be the highest of fashion.

I was just making enough money to get home I told myself, so I made the best of it. When I was driving to work one morning, I was lighting a joint and trying to get myself high enough to want to go and deal with such a humiliating job and I went to pass a logging truck, following the car in front of me and I looked up in time to see that I wasn’t going to make it past because another truck was coming right at me. This truck was carrying vague looking crates, probably drugs or guns. In places like that those truck drivers were notoriously fearless and out for blood, any blood and all blood. The only choice I had was to spin out furiously in the parking lot of the local gas station/store/house/farm. This was one of the only stores in this part of hell and it closed when the sun went down. All the older souls were all put into one area so they couldn’t destroy anyone when they were driving or worry about young punks ruining this or that. I got to sleep there since I was just visiting and I had to get out of there in the morning, I had to stay on my guard all the time when I was there. They say that if the elder souls catch wind of us young punks they swarm and feast on the vitality, the charisma and life force of creatures they can catch so that they can feel something again, not feel all the pains that come with old age or maybe they somehow get to live longer, who knows. One way or another, they smell blood, they start lecturing and criticizing and judging, then they go in for the kill. So here I was in the parking lot of this gas station that tilted slightly to the right, in a wood paneled station wagon, smoking a joint, blasting heavy metal, trying to get my racing heart under control.

All these creatures came stumbling out of the store clutching coffees or lighting up cigarettes, all anxious to see what was going on since nothing ever happened there, ever. They sniffed the air in unison and I know it was not the joint they were sniffing, that smell was just another reason for these broken down pathetic fucks to come at me. The lectures were already starting, I could see their lips moving and I knew what they were saying without having to hear them, I could hear the same tired old clichés over the sound of the car and over the sound of the metal band coming from the speakers which was another thing that whipped the elderly into a frenzy and drove them crazy. I had to hope that since all kids like me look the same to these zombie like messes that I could go in there again in a few days and they wouldn’t remember me at all. Even if they were all still talking about that crazy punk that almost killed them all, could have hit the gas pumps and a few of them would swear that I was only an inch from them or their broken down trucks so that they could bitch louder than their friends about the effect drugs have on the youth of today, how the world is full of nothing but corruption and pain. Nothing ever changes is what they would say and that they will never understand.

The only thing I heard as I peeled out of the driveway, spraying the geezers with rocks, mud and debris is one of the ladies saying that she could see where I got my attitude problem from so I laughed and flicked the last of my joint at her. You never knew what might happen in when you hung out at these deep infernos of the abyss and that was a fun way to start the day, it made it a fun place to go for vacation.

I got to my shitty job with the toothless hookers and cleaned a few rooms, hung out and spent my tips on lunch and a few drinks in the shitty bar attached to the shitty hotel. So I could wait until it got dark I went and sat by the river, smoked a joint and then went to the library. I curled up in a corner with The Stand and settled in with the only Stephen King book I could stand reading. I had to kill some time one way or another and this seemed like the best way to do it.

When I woke up it was dark out, and there was a guy sitting across from me and I could tell he was watching me more than reading the book he had in front of him. He looked clean and nice enough to me but there was a look in his eyes that led me to believe that he wouldn’t really be able to read more words in the book than at or the, he had that sloping forehead that seems like there was either some inbreeding or somewhere in his family tree a few levels of evolution might not have appeared in a timely manner or at all. When you are vacationing in hell, you take chances and try not to be picky though so I opened with “Can I help you?”  So he knew that I was not an easy target or someone to be messed with.

Guys like this though rarely have worthwhile answers and this guy’s response was typically dumb, he laughed, said “hey” laughed again and said, “You were sleeping”. I got up, stretched and said, “Yeah, you’re a quick one huh”. Like any dumb puppy, he followed as I started to walk away so I asked him again if I could help him.

We got outside and he told me his name was Dale or some other generic redneck, nobody name. Then he went off telling me all about himself, trying to be charming or something was my guess. Then he asked if I wanted to smoke a joint so I smiled and decided to play along and we walked by the river, it turned out he had pretty decent smoke too. He kept going on and on about himself and how great he was and I kept tuning him out and focusing on the scenery for what it was worth. They say that if you wait by the river long enough you will always see the bodies of you enemies float by, but around here, in the spring when everything starts to thaw, this saying is a daily fact of life. Most girls fall for stupid shit like this so Dale thought he was being really smooth when I would nod and smile at some crap he said. Really though I was busy picturing his face on all the bodies floating past. By the time we got back to my car, he seemed quite pleased with himself so I gave him a good hard look, realized he wasn’t too bad looking so I sat on the hood my wood paneled station wagon like I was a supermodel sitting trying to sell a super sports car. To this goober, I was something from another planet and this was his lucky day, so I decided to play it up. I asked him what he does for work, he said he had already told me so I told him to tell me more about it and it turned out that he was waiting to go spend the summer traveling around with the carnival, running rides and games, breaking things down and setting them up.

It was an interesting idea, travel, money, a big dumb goon to protect me if I had issues and all the fried dough and corn dogs I could eat. Most importantly though, it was my ticket out of this scenic level of the most horrible of places. After he finished telling me about how great it is being a carney, he finally asked me if I would be interested in coming along and giving it a shot, just like I knew he would, my blue eyes make everyone predictable, they open all kinds of doors for me and I know how to use them like the weapons that they are.

When I got up off the car, I narrowed my blue eyes, looked him up and down, gave him a smirk that anyone with more brains would have recognized for what it was and told him to meet me back in the same spot tomorrow and I would think about his offer. Then I got in the car and I left, I knew he would be there and I also knew that I didn’t have to work for another three days so would not and I was going to make him wait. He looked ridiculous standing there in the parking lot as I left, he didn’t have any idea what to think but I did.

The drive home was uneventful and long, the store where I almost crashed that morning was already closed and there were very few cars on the road with me. In this part of hell, at this time of night, I assumed that anyone else I encountered was drunk and joyriding, out looking for trouble. By this point in the night I had enough of a buzz to enjoy the challenge and I laughed that I was out driving them all in a woodchuck station wagon.

For my days off, I wandered around on the beach with a flask and a notebook with my headphones on writing and smoking joints and just enjoying nature for what it was worth, this was why I came here in the first place. I didn’t bother driving anywhere because it was an hour and a half to get anywhere and the only place to go was the part of town where I worked and where I met Dale, there was also the issue of avoiding the cute girl from the restaurant. So when she called me on my last day off and asked who the ape asking around about me was, I was drunk enough to play stupid and mean it. She wasn’t buying it though and I found out that Dale wasn’t the only one watching me because she said it was the same ape that I was getting friendly with the other day. All I could do was laugh and hang up, I knew Dale was right where I wanted him and I knew that I was really close to getting the hell out of dodge. It was pretty creepy that he was trying so hard to find me but at least it was easy to make bodies disappear if it was needed but I didn’t like thinking like that.

The next morning I managed to get myself into the car and to work with no other issues than a splitting headache and an upset tummy. But when I got there, Dale was waiting. He even had flowers, when I pulled up his Neanderthal looking face lit up. I wasn’t sure if I was in any state to pull off what I was going to attempt to pull off but I knew I had to try.

I took the flowers, started going on and on about car troubles and how sorry I was and babbling about how I would forget my head if I didn’t attach it and how I needed to get his number right now before I forgot again and put him through so much trouble of stalking me and being a creep. Usually I can put on a good show but he caught me off guard and I felt like shit to begin with so I might have over played my act a bit. Since I knew we had other observers, I decided to make it good for the both of them and I gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek in appreciation for the flowers. This was enough to make Dale’s stupid little tail wag and he told me he would wait until I got done work so we could hang out again. I put on the best smile that I could manage and said “great”.

The best part of cleaning hotel rooms is that there are lots of convenient places to throw up and to lie down and think. Needless to say I kept the puppy waiting for a lot longer than I should have, everything was moving in slow motion. It occurred to me that I must have been easy to find around here since I stick out like a sore thumb anywhere I go, I don’t own any flannel and my jeans are always clean, I buy perfume so I don’t smell like sulfur and filth like everyone else. It was what had attracted the cute girl too and I cursed myself for not staying alone, wandering the beach like I usually did. None of this would have happened if I would just keep reminding myself that people are nothing but drama, headaches and trouble instead of thinking that maybe this time will be different every single time I try to make friends or venture out in the world. It’s just easier but sometimes I forget, then situations like this happen.

Dale was waiting next to his big boat of a car when I got done work. I told him I would buy him a beer and we went and sat down in the bar together. Sometimes all that will fix a hangover is getting to the same point as fast as possible and I knew I would need all the help I could get with my performance. While I waited for the cute girl to come in, because I knew she would, I let him keep trying to impress me in his dumb little inbred ramblings, it was cute but it was cute like, it’s cute when a dog humps someone’s leg. When it’s your leg that dog is humping though it becomes sort of repulsive and disturbing. A simple statement like, “so, that’s quite a big car” gets responded with shit like, “you know what they say about guys with big cars right?” classic, brilliant, what wit, what class. I was pretty proud of myself for not puking on him right then and there. Instead I ordered another round and in a voice loud enough for the cute girl to hear I told him that I thought about this plan he had to have me run away with him and decided it seemed like a good idea, that I was excited and that I was glad I met him. Watching her face get dark and gloomy was very satisfying. It was the last time I saw or heard from her.

He exploded with joy and told me that we would leave in two days and that we would have to stop along the way to get his friend. He wanted to follow me to where I was staying, I said “great” and he seemed surprised that I survived in the middle of nowhere like I did, like all of this wasn’t the middle of nowhere. Apparently he thought of himself as a wise, charming world traveler and he tried to play the same smooth talking idiot routine on my mom so she would feel safe letting me go with him or something, I don’t really know what he was trying to prove but she and I spent a lot of time rolling our eyes at each other as he mindlessly babbled and acted the ape that the cute girl had aptly described him as.

Two days later, as planned, Dale showed up on my doorstep again with the backseat of his big boat of a car filled with all his junk and his stupid grin pasted on his face. I remember wondering to myself as I opened the door if this fool had ever gotten laid in his pathetic life, or at least done it with a real live human girl before. As much as I realized that I was a unique and strange creature in these parts, he was just a little too pathetic and excited and clumsy and proud of himself for something he thought he might have accomplished.

After a teary farewell and my mom asking for the hundred millionth time if I was sure I wanted to do this, we hit the road. I was so thankful to be on my way and finally getting back to people I understand and people I can relate to. I spent some time going through his CD collection on the way and all I saw was country music, I groaned and asked “country music huh?” trying not to let my opinions on the matter show either way and then he started telling me about how his biggest dream is to be a county singer, I said “great”. This was when I started to have some real fears about what I might have gotten myself into. Not that I judge people by their tastes in music but in a lot of ways, it’s hard not to, especially when they not only like shitty music but someday want to become famous by doing that shitty music for a living. To say that he was a little bit country and I was a little bit rock and roll would be an understatement, we were both a whole lot of both things and when we stopped for a bathroom break and I managed not to hit him when he tried to follow me into the ladies room, or just hit him and take his car.

I asked him to sing me something he had written and I told him to treat it like his big audition and give me the best he had. He went into full on, serenading romeo mode and started what took me a while to figure out was a song. The best he had was awful, even for a country song. Not only was it a very literal take on the joke about all country songs being around guns, god, cars and women who left but his guitar was badly out of tune and so was his voice. For some reason while singing, he sounded like he was right in the middle of going through puberty again, or maybe for the first time. When we got back in the car, I insisted on switching to my music collection and I didn’t really care that he hated everything I played.

After two more hours of driving, chain smoking and big empty silences I tried to keep my focus out the window and on how happy I was to be on my way back to the real world, for what it was worth. I was thankful for that and the fact that he had brought a fat bag of that killer weed with him. He was keeping me high enough to take the edge off and make me stop thinking of jumping out of the moving vehicle as an option to get myself out of this and away from him.

We picked up his stupid friend about an hour away from where I was trying to get to and it was more than enough time to realize I had to get out of this somehow and fast, there was no way I could go and travel and work with these idiots and be a carney. If these were the cream of the crop, the ones who got asked to come back and work for this company every year I was terrified to find out what other sorts of creatures this job might attract.

We picked his friend up at his mom’s house, of course. He was a skinny, nerdy Asian kid with no chin. All he had was a backpack that was only slightly bigger than the lenses of the glasses he was wearing. Otherwise it seemed like he and Dale had been carneys together and that was how they had met.

The more Dale and his friend talked to each other the more jumping out of the car started to sound appealing. At first I thought I was being rescued from living out a life on the eastern rim of nowhere and then I found that I had really been kidnaped and taken to a worse hell that was going 50 mph down the highway to a new low that I now, couldn’t even imagine.

Suddenly the thought hit me. I think they were talking about remote control cars or some stupid boy crap, maybe it was dungeons and dragons, I don’t know, it all sounded like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoon to me. Anyway I came up with a story that I had to stop and see someone on our way. I told them that I had talked to her before I left and that she wanted to see me if we had a chance before I went and started my big adventure. I filled in the lie with some crap about it being about time to stop for something to eat anyway.

My twin sister had no idea I was coming, I wasn’t even sure I could find her shitty trailer park but I knew it was my only chance. We drove past the porn store where some of my friends worked but I had been trapped off surfing on the ring of fire for a long while and didn’t recognize any of the cars parked in the lot, so we kept going, if I had saw one someone I recognized I would have jumped out right then and there.

Lucky for me, I found my way to the where she lived and after three loops around the park I found the mini-van I had given her before I went on my trip to the other side sitting in the driveway. It was even luckier for me that her kids and drunken loser of a husband were sleeping when I tapped on the kitchen window.

She came to the door and in the span of a twenty second hug; I explained the situation, asked for help and told her she had to save me. As surprised as she was to see me she didn’t skip a beat and went along with my plan.

The boys came in like the little lost puppies that they are. The introduced themselves and Dale’s face turned red and then purple; I knew what he was thinking. Not that her and I looked much alike anymore but Dale was having fantasies about all three of us that played across his eyeballs like a movie, so her and I escaped to the kitchen and I filled her in on the whole story, told her I just needed a few days but under no circumstances should I be allowed to leave with these fools. Since all she did was hang out with her bratty kids and her loser husband, I think she was happy I could be there and provide some relief from the monotony.

She started having kids almost as soon as she started getting laid. Right after the first seed took hold, the donor/husband/tool ended up in jail for a few months and then when he got out, they promptly got married and made two more kids in rapid succession. All of this breeding took its toll on her and besides putting on double what I weighed and she should have weighed she also tried really hard to look like a proper soccer mom/wife/homemaker. She had long stringy, greasy hair and mine was always short and spikey. We both had the stunning blue eyes that stood out even on her chubby, sad looking face.

She started some mindless conversation with the boys in an attempt to get to know them but every time they tried to answer her she would interrupt them and change the subject. I knew what she was doing, I knew the game and I couldn’t keep from laughing. Since she was kind of a selfish bitch anyway she could really play off those wonderful personality traits when she wanted to. When she asked if the boys were hungry they started listing all the stuff they were in the mood for and she started looking through the cabinets in the kitchen.

While we were holding a louder than needed conversation about how she was planning on leaving her husband soon and she could really use some help around the house and with the kids, she would throw out random seeming thoughts like how we would probably want something that could be eaten easily in the car, both the boys agreed that something like that would be perfect.

Dale said that we should be going soon anyway and when I told him that I had changed my mind, that I was worried about my sister and that I should really stick around for her. He started telling me again how I could make all kinds of money and that he would miss me. In the background I could hear my sister announce that she found the perfect road snacks, and Dale took that to mean that she didn’t know I was staying so he pulled the I-think-I am-falling-in-love-with-you card thinking that I was the dumbass kind of girl to fall for that.

He even managed a few tears as he was whining and trying to convince me to go with him. His friend just sat in the corner like the goober that he was until my sister came out with gram crackers and peanut butter for them which he jumped up to dig into. My dear sister, like the presumptions mommy type that she had become started pretending to be all concerned for them and that they should get on the road before it got too much later and now that they had a snack, they should be about ready to go. She actually gave Dale a hug while she bustled them out the door with their peanut butter and crackers, it was the only time those pathetic puppy dog eyes stopped pleading at me.

The door shut behind them and I watched the car pull down the street before I took a big sigh and realized that then nightmare was finally over and I had made it. I turned to my sister and we both smiled and laughed. I told her I would only need a few days to figure out other arrangements but she said that I was welcome to stay on her screened in porch for as long as I needed because she really was going to get rid of the drunken douche of a husband because she was convinced that he was secretly gay. Like any good sister, my first thought was yeah, if I spent that much time with you I would want something completely opposite too. By escaping one carnival I stuck myself with another and I stayed on that porch for way longer than I should have. I don’t really like kids and hers seemed slow or touched in the head somehow so I couldn’t find any common ground with them. If you stuck them in front of video games they would sit quietly for hours so that made “helping out” really easy to do.

I never saw those guys again or heard from the cute girl again even though I look for them any time I go to the carnival I don’t really know what I am looking for. At this point I wouldn’t even know what they look like; the memory just puts me on edge. Just because I won’t recognize them, doesn’t mean they wouldn’t recognize me. For all I know Dale might be a country singer by now, since there are no standards for that sort of shit. I never looked back and I never went on another trip to the center of evil and pain.

Moving in with my sister on her porch, after my long stint in hell with my mom taught me that if I spend enough time with anyone in my family, anywhere can feel like hell. I was just happy to be home with my friends as I turned 21 and this was when all the fun really began. Once the husband was removed from the shitty trailer we had a lot of fun. Sometimes I forgot that her kids were even there except for when I was drunk or the days where I had been up all night for one reason or another and they started running around and screaming for no reason at six in the morning. She convinced her kids that the smell of my pot smoke was special plants and that I was gardening, which wasn’t really a lie and it covered me with the one habit that would cause problems. Since all we really did was drink and hang out, the shitty trailer got shittier and shittier. There were too many guys in bands that I brought around to keep her amused and distracted. At least no more kids came from all her slutty actions at least while I was there, with any of my friends.

It was here, during this time period that I got a job at that porn store that I drove though on my way back into town. I got myself a car and then I blew the engine in it an hour after buying it, someone stole all my CD’s out of the mini-van I was stuck driving again, and then one of my oldest friends asked me to move in with him because he got busted with a bowl and some weed and couldn’t afford to pay his rent. But this, this is another story for another day. The adventure had only just begun.

2/3/2012 4:22 AM